Free to be me

For the most part, I take things in stride. I get it from my grandmother and my mother. You could tell them the sky is falling and they would say, "oh no...let's see what we can do about that".

My grandmother, "Mimi", died last year. Her battle with cancer (her third) was pretty hard, but she took it in stride. She drove herself to 20 radiation treatments, tried her best to maintain a positive attitude, and continued smiling right until the end. The year before, she lost her only son to cancer. She sat right there while my mom cared for him - watching her child wither away. I can't imagine. Right before the funeral home came to get my uncle from my mom's house, we told my grandmother she needed to say goodbye. Through his entire ordeal and even through her own sickness that was the only time I saw her cry. She went in and looked at him. She hugged him and sobbed. She looked at us and said, "he's going to be with Grampy (my grandfather) now". She walked away and went to my mom's kitchen, got herself comfy in her favorite chair and said, "I think I'd like some chicken salad".

My mom recently found out that she has cancer. Leave it to her to have some rare form -  neuro endocrine. Surgery is the answer and it will happen in the next couple of weeks. By now she's already made her lists of foods and snacks to keep at her house for my family while we are doctoring her. She's bought new patio furniture for her days of rest and recovery. And she has a list of things that have to get done.

So yeah, I come from the kind of stock that just rolls with the punches. I don't brag about it. That's just the way it is. Sometimes something will happen and a whole army of emotions goes to war inside me. While others are crying or getting angry, I'm thinking..."what's next?", "how do I fix this?", "what's the right thing to say?"...so I usually spring into take charge mode or do nothing - just wait.

I have my moments where I get a little loud or animated (that's when the blood of my father and grandfather kicks in). But I was raised to maintain a ladylike calm and to not act in haste. My grandmother used to say "don't be so loud".  Even when my grandfather died and I tried to get in the bed with him, my grandmother told me to be quiet so as not to wake the other patients in the hospital. My mom told me to calm down and let him have a peaceful journey. They were sitting there like it was an afternoon tea - well maybe not a tea. They were commenting how peaceful he looked, thank God no more pain...blah blah blah. I went in the bathroom and looked at myself.  "Oh no," I thought, "this just won't do". So I got myself together and by the time the next nurse came in we were all having tea (figuratively speaking of course) and comforting the nurse.

Because of this thing I've inherited from two extraordinary women, people tend to freak out when I'm showing anything other than mild forms of sadness, anger, frustration, grief, or any other emotion that makes folks uncomfortable. It drives me nuts! Don't  get me wrong, I appreciate the concern of others - truly I do. But it took me many years to grow to the place where I'm free to be me.

My husband and my kids are very good at "getting it". And even though they don't always understand the things that send me into a tailspin, they mostly sit by in silence watching me spin and then go on about their usual business once they are sure I don't need anything from them.

Last night my husband sat close by (but not too close) while I sulked, yelled, cried, and stared into space. He tiptoed out while I sat in the dark. I was feeling everything and nothing...work, autism, college tuition, my mother's upcoming surgery, aging...I needed a good cleansing release and I got it.

This morning I woke up feeling great! My husband gave me a quick once over, assessing whether my storm had passed, and we moved on to talk of food and and the rest of the day.

For a long time, I compared myself to others and wondered why I'm so different, so strange, so weird. Then God started sending me equally and wonderfully weird folks to fill my life and I realized weird is good.

And it's good to be free to be ME!